Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
