In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
i dont even know how to be here
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
