Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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