I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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