Quick, to the slutcave!
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize