I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
