I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
We named our party play list daddy issues
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
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