I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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