he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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