shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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