My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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