you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Randomize