the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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