She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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