She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
