I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
