I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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