Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
