I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Who died my cat blue again?
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
