I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
