I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I think my moral compass just broke
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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