anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize