I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
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