There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize