the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
