At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
