Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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