I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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