By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
It's shark week go big or go home
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
