Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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