My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
