Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
