Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
