Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize