We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
