Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
