Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize