dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
did i just pee glitter
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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