I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
