I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
