As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
