I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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