I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
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