What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
