So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
