Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
