I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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