I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
