I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Randomize
