her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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