dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
