i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
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