you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize