Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
