be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
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