Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Randomize
