a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Randomize
