drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I touched a dick in church today
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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