3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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