I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
