You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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