he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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