I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
The air was thick with penises
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
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