I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
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