So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
