i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Why is your signature on my underwear?
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
