I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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